maxbarry.com
Thu 25
Mar
2021

I May Not Get Out

Max Now I’d like to talk about the pandemic’s real victim: me.

The first part, where my city locked its citizens in their houses for 112 days, that was fine. That was my regular life. The only differences were Jen and the kids were always around and the dog was super happy. I saw other people discovering the joys of not commuting and having blocks of time to schedule for themselves, and I was glad for them.

Working from home is the best. I would last about three days in an office now. I’m so in command of my time, the slightest imposition annoys me, like having to answer the front door. I read somewhere that bonobo apes exhibit stress based on how much control they have over their own lives, and I am a bonobo who gets to decide what he does all day long. I am a content bonobo.

But now there’s this new normal. Many things are returning to face-to-face, but only where it makes sense. If an online meeting will do, then you have it online. This is terrible for me, because I only ever got to leave the house for things that don’t make sense. Book tours, for example. I fly somewhere and stand in a room and talk to a few dozen people. Then they buy a few books. On the expense versus the sales, that’s ridiculous. It was always ridiculous, but we could justify it on the basis that publicity has to start somewhere. Now, though, it’s the kind of ridiculous that gets shuffled online.

So this is a problem. I don’t know when I will see sunshine again. Help.

Comments

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Comfed (#8266)

Quote: "Shrimp conspire behind closed doors."
Posted: 206 days ago

Home is where the heart is, except when it's a prison.

Machine Man subscriber Max

Location: Melbourne, Australia
Quote: "I'm my number one fan!"
Posted: 206 days ago

Wise words, Comfed.

Machine Man subscriber coolpillows (#3749)

Location: new york general sort of vicinity
Quote: ""It's not working" -- Joseph Clark"
Posted: 206 days ago

I was on a tear doing live performances pre-pandemic, co-curating a monologue series, developing another show off-broadway and just feeling it all come together. Then the pandemic hit and people died and everything shut down and we all cried. Then some people wanted to do the monologue show on Zoom. I did one (ONE) and it S-U-C-K-E-D!!

I'm waiting for live theater again and meantime working on my site (no links but feel free to google the screen name). We WILL be LIVE again. We must be LIVE again.

Machine Man subscriber Ben (#3924)

Location: Alberta, Canada
Quote: "I don't wanna ride the elevator."
Posted: 206 days ago

So wait a minute. Back up a bit... You answer your door?

Machine Man subscriber Ben (#3924)

Location: Alberta, Canada
Quote: "I don't wanna ride the elevator."
Posted: 206 days ago

Coolpillows!!! I haven't seen you post in a while. Good to see you. I wasn't aware you're in theatre.

Machine Man subscriber Max

Location: Melbourne, Australia
Quote: "I'm my number one fan!"
Posted: 206 days ago

@Ben:

> So wait a minute. Back up a bit... You answer your door?

I mean, I used to.

Machine Man subscriber Max

Location: Melbourne, Australia
Quote: "I'm my number one fan!"
Posted: 206 days ago

@coolpillows: Oh boy, the live performance people I do really feel for. Clearly I'm whining about nothing, while you guys really did lose your ability to perform your art. Live comedy is just starting up again in my city and I feel duty-bound to go see some.

Will St George (#8217)

Location: U.S.
Quote: "It's like deja vu all over again. - Yogi Berra"
Posted: 206 days ago

Dear Mister Sunshine,
You make some fine observations, and thought provoking forecasts. Mostly, I identify with the importance of Sunshine. Here on the opposite side of the space ball the sunshine hours are waxing day by day. The pandemic isolation, coupled with a cold and snowy winter followed by forceful spring winds, has altered the brainwaves of the populace, which now resemble the encephalic gyrations of an alien species. (If you do not believe me just listen to any US TV news program.) Most wonder, "Will our planet ever be 'normal' again?"
I take heart - I am witnessing the effects of Sol's rays. It is as if they burn away the detritus and re-syncopate the rhythms of the cortex. Hours after sunset my mind is still advancing.
So, yes - Get some sunlight, install a skylight, buy a Lightbox, or hold on until good old Sol returns down under.
So wait a minute. You are looking forward to traveling by airliner now?
Will

1001.0010.0101 (#925)

Location: Turn left at your CPU
Quote: "How can something be deemed artificial if it is itself. e.g. A.I."
Posted: 206 days ago

Headline : Maxx Barry saved!

Fans of Mr Barry have rallied to save their favourite author and netball coach from the scourge that is bonoboitis.

In early 2020 the world was brought to it's knees by the terrible covid virus which saw humanity enslaved by their smartphones and forced to retreat into obscurity, that is their home. It was during this time that fans started to notice the lack of online presence and regular witty comments that sustained their meaning for existing. "I almost felt normal!", exclaimed Jon Earthenware whilst adjusting his suspender belt. "It was suri .. sora .. sir-eel? I mean to tell ya it was just plain crazy is what I'm sayin'."

Some suspected it was the work of the notorious Play-Doh Surgeons; a group of early to middle pre-teens rumoured to be behind the disappearance of Harvey Kneeslapper from Sesame Street, but they've not been heard of since the 70s.

When restrictions were finally eased, hoards of fans descended on book stores around the country eager for a copy of Providence. By chance, a blind guide dog attempting to navigate it's way around a pile of Providence books stacked in the middle of an entrance knocked them all over and it was then someone found a note that had fallen out of one. "Potrzebie!!", was all it said. "What's that?", said one, "Is it a golden ticket?", said another. The blind guide dog, frustrated with the humans yet again, tapped it's claw 3 times on the floor in an attempt to communicate it's true meaning. People looked back and forth at each other not knowing what to make of this until a deaf parrot, that no one noticed before, spoke up. "Raaaaq. Barry trapped. Barry trapped." Open mouthed and wide eyed the fans gasped. "Gasp", they all said. "To the roof and light the Barry signal!!"

Authorities considered it a joke but the presence of exclamation marks was, as always, a precursor to some dramatic event about to unfold and needed to be taken seriously. Descending on the Barry household, a mix of 17 slightly confused boy and girl scouts armed with fundraising boxes of salted licorice asked for Mr Barry by name. The publicist that answered the door looked nervous and sensing this, the scouts called out loudly, "Buy 2 and get the rest free." Although muffled by countless rooms filled with shredded paper from numerous attempts at his latest novel, Mr Barry heard just one word - cheeseburger. Always filled with a fascination as to why a cheeseburger has meat in it and not a cheese patty, he made his way to the door hoping that he might finally get an answer to that perplexing mystery. As he came into view the scouts executed a coordinated attack consisting mainly of hugging arms and legs until the publicist went down. Unfazed by this show of teenage dominance and stepping over the scrum at his feet he suspiciously asked a question of those still standing, "You know nothing about cheeseburgers, do you?"

In a scene similar to the end of Close Encounters of the Third Kind, the little people timidly helped Mr Barry from his home in search of an all wise, all knowing entity that could answer the question that burned in his mind so strongly, but more importantly, restoring his vitamin-d levels.

The End.

towr (#1914)

Location: Netherlands
Posted: 206 days ago

Oh come on Max, just google "sunshine" and there's tons of pictures.
I bet there's even webcams set up so you can watch a sunrise at a civilized hour of the day. Who ever decided they had to be that early anyway?

Shoe (#4776)

Location: D.C. Suburb
Quote: "“The universe is made of stories, not atoms.” —Muriel Rukeyser"
Posted: 205 days ago

Happy Bonobo, you are in control. That means you are now responsible for your own sunshine.

Get as much of it as you decide, of course.

That goes for seeing people in real life, too.

towr (#1914)

Location: Netherlands
Posted: 205 days ago

Ah, see, there you're making a mistake. The bonobo wants control, but it does not want responsibility. Or at least doesn't want it foisted on him without a choice. The sunshine should just happen by itself, without needing any effort - unless the bonobo happens to feel like making an effort.

towr (#1914)

Location: Netherlands
Posted: 205 days ago

Wait, maybe that sounded a bit too much like a comment about Max specifically. But I meant it as a general comment on human/animal psychology.

Comfed (#8266)

Quote: "Shrimp conspire behind closed doors."
Posted: 205 days ago

@towr It seemed accurate for me! :P

SirWatermelon (#8268)

Location: United Kingdom
Quote: "Clouds are alien engine vapour."
Posted: 201 days ago

I just looked on his Wikipedia page, someone altered it as an April Fools joke.

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