I need cheering up, I check out my web stats to see
what people were searching for when they visited my site. Most
search terms are sensible enough, like “jennifer government”,
but then there’s a long list of ones that… aren’t so much.
These are funny for two reasons: first, that—quite by accident—these
words do actually appear on one of my web pages, and secondly,
imagining the look of disappointment on these people’s faces when
they end up here instead of a page of, for example,
people telling the news”.
Here are my favorite maxbarry.com search terms from the past few
- heroic things drew barrymore has done
- pictures of women smashing up things wearing high heels
- jennifer lopez has tattoos where
- what is the government of italy called
- her sexy long legs are perfect for head locks
- help avoiding assholes
- a newspaper article on koalas only saying care for our koalas
- results of a study about where pop stars go or hang out
- deleted scenes from ninja turtles the movie
- sneeze or sneezed or sneezes or sneezing bless you
- the main reason why the government has a website
- lyrics german ooh la la ooh la la
- still looking for that marvel comic book with all the marvel women in bathing suits
There’s an especially long list of search terms involving Mary-Kate and
Ashley Olsen, just because I wrote
that one bit about them. Most of these
are as distasteful as you’d imagine, but others are… well, take a look:
- girls that look exactly like mary-kate and ashley
- what kind of jeans do mary-kate and ashley olsen like?
- which one is mary kate
Then there are two that are distasteful, but too bizarre
to pass up:
- mary kate and ashley olsen naked pics without bras
- mary-kate and ashley jennifer government sex
There are plenty of people looking for naked pictures of Mary-Kate
and Ashley, but this first guy went to the special effort of specifying
that they be naked without bras. Clever. Then someone was apparently
interested in whether the Olsen twins had ever engaged in hanky-panky
with a character I made up. You know that line between fantasy and
reality? Right, exactly: you do. This guy doesn’t.
I know you’re dying to know whether I made it around
that 10km/6mi course
without medical assistance, so: yes! This pic is of me just after the race,
and if you’re wondering about that smile on my face, it’s due to the
endorphins—I declined to test the benefits of Vaseline.
My time was 1 hour 1 minute and 19 seconds,
which I was very happy with; so happy, in fact, that as soon as I’d attained it,
I tried to faint. But a table was kind enough to catch me and then I realized
it would be a good idea to drink some water.
I’m kind of addicted to running now, but a little worried about
whether it’ll get in the way of my writing.
For the last few years I’ve had a routine
of falling out of bed and into my chair in the study, where I start typing
more or less whatever’s in my head. This has worked better than you might
expect, so I’m leery of
postponing that crucial time when I start thinking about stories. But a run
first thing in the morning helps me, too.
Today I decided to try something new. I got up, turned on my
computer, and read over the last page or so of Company, which is
what I’m currently working on. Once the scene was fresh in my mind, I laced
up my shoes and headed out the door. I live on top of a hill, and have been
advised that if I run down hills my knees will explode on my 40th birthday,
so I did a fast walk for six or seven minutes, mulling over the novel.
It was all working nicely: I was having some good thoughts,
and still getting my exercise.
Then I reached the bottom of the hill and started to run. I took two steps
and looked down. I wasn’t wearing my sneakers. I was wearing my casual shoes.
I’m doing an online interview this Saturday/Sunday, so if you want to
ask/demand/accuse me of something without waiting 20 weeks for a response
via e-mail, now’s your chance. It’s run by the
NationStates moderators, but open
to anyone who can figure out
IRC. If that’s you, I’ll be
in the #nationstates channel on
irc.esper.net this weekend; for the time where you live,
here’s the World Clock.
And if you’re wondering what it’ll be like, the answer is
Speaking of interviews, there’s a new one with me up at
piedriver.com. I did
this about 6 months ago, but the guy only recently gotten around to
posting it, so my answers are new and surprising even to me.