Looking for something?

Any time I need cheering up, I check out my web stats to see what people were searching for when they visited my site. Most search terms are sensible enough, like “jennifer government”, but then there’s a long list of ones that… aren’t so much. These are funny for two reasons: first, that—quite by accident—these words do actually appear on one of my web pages, and secondly, imagining the look of disappointment on these people’s faces when they end up here instead of a page of, for example, “naked people telling the news”.

Here are my favorite maxbarry.com search terms from the past few months:

• heroic things drew barrymore has done
• pictures of women smashing up things wearing high heels
• jennifer lopez has tattoos where
• what is the government of italy called
• her sexy long legs are perfect for head locks
• help avoiding assholes
• a newspaper article on koalas only saying care for our koalas
• results of a study about where pop stars go or hang out
• deleted scenes from ninja turtles the movie
• sneeze or sneezed or sneezes or sneezing bless you
• the main reason why the government has a website
• lyrics german ooh la la ooh la la
• still looking for that marvel comic book with all the marvel women in bathing suits

There’s an especially long list of search terms involving Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, just because I wrote that one bit about them. Most of these are as distasteful as you’d imagine, but others are… well, take a look:

• girls that look exactly like mary-kate and ashley
• what kind of jeans do mary-kate and ashley olsen like?
• which one is mary kate

Then there are two that are distasteful, but too bizarre to pass up:

• mary kate and ashley olsen naked pics without bras
• mary-kate and ashley jennifer government sex

There are plenty of people looking for naked pictures of Mary-Kate and Ashley, but this first guy went to the special effort of specifying that they be naked without bras. Clever. Then someone was apparently interested in whether the Olsen twins had ever engaged in hanky-panky with a character I made up. You know that line between fantasy and reality? Right, exactly: you do. This guy doesn’t.