I Should Buy Some Cement
I should buy some cement, in case I need to hide a body. I don’t plan on hiding a body. I have no particular body in mind. But that’s the thing: if you wait until you’re there with a bloodied lamp in one hand and a cooling body in the other, it’s too late. You can’t jump in the car and head down to the hardware store for cement at that point. You’d need to change your clothes, stash the body somewhere it won’t arouse suspicion, and this is assuming you can even get to an open hardware store. It might be two in the morning. You might not have a car—or you might, but with a fender caved in around a head-sized crater, this being the reason why you need cement in the first place.
And think about how bad it would look. You have to assume the police will investigate. At best, there’s a missing person, at worst, they already suspect homicide. “Where were you on the night of the 24th?” they’ll ask. If your answer is, “Buying cement,” you have a problem. Sure, you can lie. Say you were tucked up in bed. But that’s another thing to go wrong. Did you use your credit card to buy the cement? Did you visit an ATM for cash? They’ll find out. They’ll track down the clerk who served you. And that clerk will say, Yes, I do remember a sweaty, frightened-looking customer in urgent need of cement. I remember very well.
Consider how much better if you can simply trot down to the basement, flick on the light, and haul out those 60-pound bags of cement you stashed there for precisely such a contingency. No need to leave the house: just get mixing. You’ll have to pull up some floorboards, of course, or find a nice, quiet spot in the garden, and do quite a lot of digging. There is hard labor involved. I’m not saying it’ll be a breeze, something you can knock over before catching the end of Letterman and retiring to bed with a book. My point is when the payoff is avoiding spending the rest of your life in prison, it’s worth putting in some effort.
Like I said, I don’t plan on killing anybody. I’m a reasonable person. But I can’t say there’s absolutely zero chance that one day I’ll find myself with a dead body that needs hiding. I bet everyone thinks that, until it happens to them. It’s like insurance: I don’t really think my house will be destroyed by an earthquake, but I’m covered, just in case. Those kinds of things, I don’t like leaving to chance. I’m not a gambler. A bag of fast-setting cement retails for six dollars. A team of lawyers after the fact will cost me hundreds of thousands—and probably do less to keep me out of prison than timely application of cement. I think the economics speak for themselves.
Then there’s the peace of mind. You can’t put a price tag on that. Right now, even though I’m just home by myself, I feel a vague sense of unease. I know that through a series of strokes of misfortune, I could find myself with a body and no way to hide it. Having bags of cement in the basement, even though I’ll probably never use them, means I can relax. It’ll give me a warm feeling, just knowing they’re down there. Ready for a rainy day. I’m going to get some now.
Comments
This is where site members post comments. If you're not a member, you can join here. There are all kinds of benefits, including moral superiority!
Bushra (#36)
Location: Fremont, California
Quote: "www.caffeinatedmuslim.com"
Posted: 5890 days ago
I'm just saying I wouldn't have judged you if you actually did buy cement just in case you might need it in the future.
gstein42 (#585)
Location: 127.0.0.1
Quote: "That's not change! That's more of the same!"
Posted: 5890 days ago
i love it- exactly my kind of humor :)
more blog posts!
and more books!
Daniel DiFranco (#243)
Location: Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, USA
Quote: "Panic Years, a novel, out now."
Posted: 5890 days ago
Jak (#2464)
Quote: "The Straight-Jacket makes it hard to type."
Posted: 5890 days ago
However, the times you mention that you "don't plan on hiding a body" and the disclaimer at the end, seem to lead me to believe that the exact opposite is true.
Slightly unsettling.
Linnea1928 (#2654)
Location: Rosemount, MN
Posted: 5890 days ago
That's all I have to say.
Not quite actually. I would like to add this: Even though the narrator seems to be totally insane, he's still likable and trustworthy. He's a sympathetic character and I barely know him. Excellent bit of writing there, Max.
Lapse (#86)
Location: Brisbane Australia
Quote: "You're adopted and we hate you."
Posted: 5890 days ago
Kalle (#1278)
Quote: "Sex is herital. If your parents never had it, chanses are you'll never have it either."
Posted: 5890 days ago
Dane O'Brien (#2362)
Location: USA- Virginia
Quote: "No, I don't need a miracle, but I could use a push in the right direction. - RCPM"
Posted: 5890 days ago
Coley (#2323)
Location: USA
Quote: "I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code"
Posted: 5890 days ago
Sven B. (#2792)
Location: Paris, FR
Quote: "If you did not make it, don't try to fix it."
Posted: 5890 days ago
In fact, insurance is a bet. When you pay your insurance against earthquake damage, you're betting that money on the eventuality that your house will be destroyed by an earthquake. Most people will place this bet hoping they lose it. Then you have those who'll place the bet because they know something bad will happen and that the compensation offered by the insurance company will leave them ahead. It's hard to apply this to insurance against earthquakes... Wait, I can totally imagine some super villain provoking an earthquake under the building they've just built and insured against earthquakes. Try to foil THAT plan, Superman ! But I'm digressing...
Anyway, my point was, insurance is some kind of bet.
towr (#1914)
Location: Netherlands
Posted: 5890 days ago
Be sure to buy enough cement; and you need to be careful to avoid the smell of decomposition, which can penetrate right through a thick layer of cement if you're not careful.
Toby O (#2900)
Location: Sydney
Quote: "vote with your wallet"
Posted: 5890 days ago
shabooty (#637)
Location: D.C./V.A/M.D.
Quote: "I will shake your foundation. I will shake the f**cking rafters. Nobody'll be the same -Danny Bonaduce ....& go visit my blog @: http://www.shabooty.com"
Posted: 5890 days ago
a best friend will help you move - a body.
Greg Cunningham (#1743)
Location: Norrisville, Maryland
Quote: "quick...be funny"
Posted: 5890 days ago
Brittany O. (#1688)
Location: Montana
Quote: "people are kind of overrated "
Posted: 5890 days ago
i am getting less patient by the day though. i have had to re-read yours since there is hardly anything out there that is so entertaining.
Michael Harrell (#2372)
Location: Olathe, KS
Quote: ""Every day we must persevere. For we are engaged in a severe contest between intelligence, which presses forward, and an unworthy, timid ignorance obstructing our progress."Adapted from the masthead of "The Economist""
Posted: 5890 days ago
Emily (#609)
Location: New York
Quote: "When in doubt, fuck it. When not in doubt, get in doubt!"
Posted: 5889 days ago
I love that people are critiqueing the use of cement to hide dead bodies. Hahaha.
Great stuff!
Jennifer M. Dambeck (#3061)
Location: NJ, USA
Quote: "Rock on"
Posted: 5889 days ago
I suppose one could buy enough of said brinks to build a crypt, but that might raise the suspicions of your neighbors.
I think a meat grinder and a pig and or large predatory cat my be the best answer.
Unless you go all Hannibal Lector and have a block party BBQ.
Amber (#3671)
Location: Oregon, U.S.A
Posted: 5889 days ago
Roger (#1653)
Posted: 5889 days ago
Abgrund (#3357)
Location: Atlantis
Quote: ""Redeem your mind from the hockshops of authority." - Ayn Rand"
Posted: 5889 days ago
austin (#2462)
Location: rhode island
Quote: "hmmm...bleh..."
Posted: 5889 days ago
Mark Tran (#3249)
Location: Canada
Quote: "If you lived here, You'd be home."
Posted: 5889 days ago
Ben Turner (#922)
Location: Bendigo, Australia
Quote: "I have nothing to say on that matter, unless it happens to benefit me to say something."
Posted: 5889 days ago
David (#1456)
Location: Sydney, Australia
Quote: "Why are the pretty ones always insane?"
Posted: 5889 days ago
Jeff O (#3059)
Location: Madison, WI USA
Posted: 5889 days ago
Adam (#580)
Location: Hotel Lobbies (with Winona Ryder)
Quote: "I want to be famous. Really famous."
Posted: 5889 days ago
Prue Meehan (#3306)
Location: Australia
Quote: ""I intend to live forever. So far, so good." Steven Wright"
Posted: 5889 days ago
Ada (#3702)
Location: Puerto Rico
Quote: "Eye for an eye leaves everybody blind"
Posted: 5888 days ago
fred (#3690)
Quote: "well thats weird. i was under the impression that you were incredably stupid."
Posted: 5887 days ago
Kit (#850)
Location: UK
Posted: 5887 days ago
Rebecca (#3616)
Location: Australia
Quote: "The shop is the way it is because it is the way it is. If it wasn't the way it is, it wouldn't be the way it is. Bernard Black."
Posted: 5886 days ago
Me? I live in the country... with over 100 acres. That's lots of nice open space for digging a few nice mass graves. Oh, and then there's always the river. Maybe two or three metres of mud? I don't know... I haven't exactly measured it.
But still... no interfering neighbours in the country.
Oh yeah, I went and counted. We have 6 bags of cement. Good old aussie hardware shop!
The point I'm trying to make is that if you have a few dead bodies lying around or a couple of skeletons in your closet go to the country. There isn't that many police out there but there's lots of space.
By the way, I first realised that the whole post was fiction when I read it in someone else's comment. I didn't see the authors note. So you can imagine I was getting fairly suspicious by the time I had read the whole thing.
Yenzo (#829)
Location: Secret underwater pyramid base in the Pacific
Quote: "In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe (Carl Sagan)"
Posted: 5886 days ago
I don't feel comfortable talking about which methods of body hiding actually seem to work right here, but if you plan to write some murder fiction and feel like I could help with your research, feel free to e-mail me or call me toll-free at 1-800-LETHALADVICE.
Author's note: I just made that number up. I don't really have an advice service for murderers. Honest.
John A. Ardelli (#1607)
Location: Sydney, Nova Scotia, Canada
Quote: "Don't try to be a great man, just be a man... and let history make its own judgments."
Posted: 5885 days ago
Of course, if *I* ever found myself in that situation, I'd probably just turn myself into the police and admit what I did anyway; my conscience would be KILLING me, even if the person I'd killed was someone who richly deserved their fate (people that horrible are rare, but they DO exist).
I'm gonna SHARE this posting... ;)
blab (#1632)
Location: The Sandwich Isles
Quote: "Adventure is just poor planning"
Posted: 5885 days ago
http://archives.starbulletin.com/2008/04/03/news/story07.html
Michael Ricksand (#2212)
Location: Terra
Quote: "You do not have a right to be stupid."
Posted: 5881 days ago
KCUZ (#3594)
Location: Idaho
Posted: 5881 days ago
Kit Park (#3710)
Posted: 5877 days ago
Cyma Khan (#3719)
Quote: ""With a gun barrel between your teeth, u can only speak in vowels." - TYLER DURDEN - Fight Club"
Posted: 5870 days ago
Vicci (#3723)
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posted: 5865 days ago
My list so far:
Hacksaw (ask if it will cut through bone)
Heavy mallet (just in case the hacksaw is too flimsy)
Heavy duty tarp/garbage bags
Industrial Gaffa tape
Painting overalls (reduce chances of dna/hair being left behind)
Face mask/goggles (in case of splash back)
Recently added:
Quick dry cemet mix
Some sort of 'CLR' cleaner
al gore (#3724)
Quote: "let it end as it began, and begin as how it ended."
Posted: 5863 days ago
Comments are now closed for this post.