will write for food

Max Barry wrote the novels Syrup, Jennifer Government, Company, Machine Man, and Lexicon. He also created the game NationStates and once found a sock full of pennies.


Wed 14

There are no stupid questions

Max Norman writes:

Dear Max:
I just happened to browse the site as I am with MY Space .Com. Some how I came across your website. One eye catcher is a segment titled: “Women in High Heels Smashing Things” What is that all about? It turns me on. Tell me more of this story and more information on it.

Right! I’m going to assume you’re being funny, Norman, because the alternative is too disturbing. So this is the thing where I look up what people are searching for when they visit this site. It’s been a while since I last checked that, but once again the list is a mix of the bizarre, the terrifying, the unintentionally hilarious, and the unexpectedly profound. Here’s a sample from the last two months:

  • ashley olsen worried and afraid of mary kate
  • hippos go berserk
  • how to make my cable modem lights stop blinking
  • what can i do to make myself more attractive to women?
  • defense against water balloons
  • how to write in elven symbol code
  • benefits of drinking pepsi max
  • sexiest pants in world of warcraft
  • what did teenager like back in the days
  • how tall are victoria s supermodels
  • what makes plaster casts start to smell?
  • fish talks crap splish splash
  • what happens to the hearing of whales when they get older
  • who does jennifer government look like
  • my sneakers are too small
  • i just want to talk not about anything someone
  • when was 479 days ago?
  • unshaven giant poodle pictures
  • is um a word
  • location of hookers in rochester ny
  • goosebumps anything to do with your heart
  • giant rabbit news england
  • the smurfs karl max
  • is it true that when you sneeze people are thinking about you

Some of these are hard to stop thinking about. I’m a little tempted to search for footage of berserk hippos myself now. Is “um” a word? And seriously, I’m in England at the moment: should I be worried about a giant rabbit?


This is where site members post comments. If you're not a member, you can join here. There are all kinds of benefits, including moral superiority!

Jeffrey (#2286)

Location: Right here
Quote: "Mathematics is a powerful language. Just look at how mathematicians destroyed the housing market."
Posted: 4907 days ago

Shit, i think I'm the "Smurfs Karl Marx"

Matthew (#16)

Location: Columbus, Ohio
Quote: "Unicorn on mountain top. Wind blowing through mane."
Posted: 4907 days ago

This must be Max's first drunk post in a while.

John (#477)

Location: Seattle
Quote: "Did I do that?"
Posted: 4907 days ago

What, you haven't been watching BBC? That rabbit... it just took out Big Ben, and it's heading towards Sheffield now, cutting a path of destruction.

defense against water balloons <-- personal favourite.

Kori (#2258)

Location: Rochester, MN
Quote: "And then Jesus said, 'Let them eat cake.'"
Posted: 4906 days ago

"location of hookers in rochester ny"

By far the classiest one on there.

Chris (#816)

Location: Quebec, Canada
Posted: 4906 days ago

Oh Max, you truly do have the sexiest pants in all of World of Warcraft.

Seriously, though, someone needs to develop a search engine that punches you in the face when you try searching for things by asking it questions.

Phill Sacre (#1822)

Location: London, UK
Quote: "Computers are like air conditioners. Both stop working, if you open windows."
Posted: 4906 days ago

"And seriously, I’m in England at the moment: should I be worried about a giant rabbit?"

Damn, he's onto us!

*looks round nervously*

Adam A. (#256)

Location: Phoenix, Arizona
Quote: "Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that." -George Carlin"
Posted: 4906 days ago

Are they talking about the Were-Rabbit? Or just an exceptionally large regular rabbit?

Why don't you have a Myspace page, Max? I know it would be repetitive, as you already have this site, but you could at least have a link to this one, and I'm sure you're not against another place of free promotion. It seems to be good source of advertising.

Rod McBride (#688)

Location: Gardner, KS
Quote: ""
Posted: 4906 days ago

I get things like 'pimp my teen whore' when I check.

So I stopped checking. Can't figure out whether it's bad karma or bad meta.

Machine Man subscriber David (#1456)

Location: Sydney, Australia
Quote: "Why are the pretty ones always insane?"
Posted: 4906 days ago

As you're in the UK you've probably already discovered that over there one's cable modem lights blink backwards. And if you've been reading the tabloids while lazing about in the sunshine over there then you're undoubtably aware that the soon to be former Mrs Sir Macca was recently spotted cavorting naked with Mary-Kate and Ashley accompanied by a certain spin bowler and a poodle (size unknown).

CameoAppearance (#2439)

Location: Vancouver, BC
Quote: "Please tell me I'm not related to these people."
Posted: 4906 days ago

Perhaps he doesn't have a MySpace page because MySpace is infested with chatspeaking teenagers?

That's my theory, anyways.

Also: IS 'um' a word? Now I'm curious!

Hobbie (#1359)

Location: Cornwall, England
Quote: "There was a little man in his hair!"
Posted: 4906 days ago


austin (#2462)

Location: rhode island
Quote: "hmmm...bleh..."
Posted: 4905 days ago

Uh, yeah. It's a great word too. Good to use in those times when you have nothing to say.

austin (#2462)

Location: rhode island
Quote: "hmmm...bleh..."
Posted: 4905 days ago

Wait. Chatspeaking teenagers. I'm one of them...

Well, I absolutely DESPISE chatspeak. Can't people just write the word out? Why has America become so lazy?

Robert (#413)

Location: Los Angeles
Quote: "A positive attitude will not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort."
Posted: 4905 days ago

On my old blog I used to get things like:

Big boobed smokers
Big boobed lesbians
Bi-racial entertainers black and..
god of entropy

It always gets you wondering.

maceq (#2471)

Location: Cracow, Poland
Quote: "Me v.1.21b (beta)"
Posted: 4902 days ago


If you're using a DC progam try sharing a file named for ex. "Half_naked_barbarian_was_riding_a_horse_through-virgin_forrest.mpq" or something like that and count people who start downloading it in first 60 sec :D Best score by far: 43 :P By the way the upper example was originaly a .doc file containing a Conan-like (yuck!) fantasy story and was it's first sentence. It got few downloads as well. :P

People are weird...

Picto (#64)

Location: United Kingdom
Quote: "Who is more foolish, the child afraid of the dark or the man afraid of the light? - Maurice Freehill"
Posted: 4901 days ago

Max, you're a genius.

That's all.

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