MaxBarry.com
will write for food

Max Barry wrote the novels Syrup, Jennifer Government, Company, Machine Man, and Lexicon. He also created the game NationStates and once found a sock full of pennies.

Blog

Tue 19
Apr
2005

Ride the Walrus

Max I’m always looking for new things to do in the shower, because I’m male and have no hair. There’s very little you can do in a shower when you have no hair; it’s basically “wash face, soap underarms, sing a little song.” I can’t get out after that; standing naked under running warm water is too nice. I want to stay there, but need entertainment—and yet, at this very moment, I have no pockets.

Sometimes I fill my mouth with water and spray it everywhere. The key is not to just blurt it out: you want to generate a fine mist, accompanied by a satisfyingly whale-like PFFFFFFF. That’s good fun. When I’m lacking in inspiration, I just stand there, swing my arms, and watch the water spray off my fingertips.

But now I’ve discovered a thrilling new activity. (No, not that.) It’s terrific fun, and I’m sharing it so you can try it at home yourself.

Now this may require some adjustment of your bathroom facilities—last week I was traveling around and it didn’t work in all the hotel room showers I tried. What you want is a medium-sized shower rose (not a horrible little needly one) with strong pressure (which, unfortunately, counts out all of you living in England). Position it as close to the top of your head as possible.

Then close your eyes and throw your head right back. If you’ve got it right, the shower jets water directly on your closed eyelids. This sensation may be accompanied by a flaring white kaleidoscope or visions of God. And not only that: water streams directly into your ears, making an adrenalin-pumping roar, like you’re standing under a waterfall, or, now that I think about it, hearing the voice of God. Maybe they should choose the Pope this way. But anyway, it’s pure excitement! I’m telling you, you have to try this yourself, before it becomes a Disney ride.

Comments

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teh Hack (#931)

Location: Elsewhere
Quote: "Admit Nothing, Deny Everything, Make Counter-Accusations"
Posted: 5268 days ago

...

I work for a certified nutter.

Gregory Rubin (#72)

Location: Seattle, WA
Quote: "SSIMB!"
Posted: 5268 days ago

I got this in my inbox, and realized that my boss is a madman.

Machine Man subscriber Danni (#357)

Location: England
Quote: "Eagerly awaiting the European Tour."
Posted: 5268 days ago

You've only just discovered that one? :P

I never thought about it in the seeing/hearing God context though... I must remember that next time I have a shower

(and I have a power shower, and live in England! So there- you can do it... just not in hotel bathrooms :P)

Machine Man subscriber Kramy (#818)

Quote: ""it's the way of the future""
Posted: 5268 days ago

I don't like taking showers in hotel rooms - can't stop thinking about the germs, and possible tinea problems....but I guess the mattresses could be harbouring much worse...

DR (#1183)

Location: USA
Quote: "I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. 'jack handey"
Posted: 5268 days ago

eh. mattresses almost never come back to life. nothing to worry about.

Henry T. Monkeypimpenstein (#1212)

Location: Wellington, NZ
Quote: "Monkeypimp: Geeky enough to use his lame NS forum name here too."
Posted: 5267 days ago

And I'll be trying that tomorrow morning. I have a good powerful shower.

Coolet (#37)

Location: Goshen, Indiana
Quote: "Man who goes to bed with itchy bum, wakes up with smelly finger."
Posted: 5267 days ago

wow....that progressed into pure comedy there Max...LOL

Ruth (#288)

Location: Bath, United Kingdom
Quote: "Only the insane have strength enough to prosper. Only those who prosper may truly judge what is sane."
Posted: 5267 days ago

Max, you're crazy. Like a wolf.

Gregor (#1182)

Location: Toronto
Quote: "The righteous man is beset on all sides by the tyrannies of evil men."
Posted: 5267 days ago

It's a slow day in the Barry household...but thats a 'B' for effort.

Sean Gant (#201)

Location: USA
Quote: "I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself. --Rodney Dangerfield"
Posted: 5267 days ago

max, mad props for the Futurama reference in the title

shabooty (#637)

Location: D.C./V.A/M.D.
Quote: "I will shake your foundation. I will shake the f**cking rafters. Nobody'll be the same -Danny Bonaduce ....& go visit my blog @: http://www.shabooty.com"
Posted: 5267 days ago

whatever happened to some simple golden showers...
sheesh =p

Myrth (#22)

Location: London, UK
Quote: "A quote must have a beginning, a middle and an"
Posted: 5267 days ago

...I need a new admin.

Xiporah (#1237)

Location: Oh wait...Over there somewhere
Quote: "Tacos for the Masses"
Posted: 5267 days ago

You poor thing. if you had long hair like me, you could do what I do!

When my hair comes out (as it inevitably does, I shed like crazy) I usually spell obscene words on the shower wall with them or just swirl them around on the wall in weird patterns.

I also open my mouth and let the water fill it up then gurgle stupid songs

Oh! And try drinking a cold one in the Shower! That's fun too

Peter Baker (#475)

Location: Calgary, Alberta, Canada
Quote: "I reject your reality and substitute my own."
Posted: 5267 days ago

Max. You're odd. But that's why we love you. That and you write good books. It's mostly the books. lol

Unfortuneately I'll be trying this soon.

OverlordBill (#1197)

Location: ~2B, -4B
Posted: 5267 days ago

Oh yes. I think you do mean that.

Rooflepop lollercopter or some such nonsense. And while it may be a fun activity for you, I'm not going to be letting anything pound against my eyes. Sounds like some weird asian fetish.

Coolet (#37)

Location: Goshen, Indiana
Quote: "Man who goes to bed with itchy bum, wakes up with smelly finger."
Posted: 5267 days ago

LMAO!! woah...did u just cross that imaginable line of doom!?!

Machine Man subscriber Adam (#24)

Location: Morristown, Indiana
Quote: "Why do I blog? Simple, because Max Barry blogs."
Posted: 5266 days ago

Wed 20/4

Walrus?

I can't believe that my friend Joey won't take Courtney to prom. See, she told him that she was single, but really she was just temporarily away from her old boyfriend. I can't believe he would do that. Joey doesn't even have a date.

Anyways, I think that Max Barry's walrus trick is pretty awesome, but it lacks something. I think that if you listen to "I am the Walrus!" by the Beatles it improves it.

...Rachael just asked Joey if he would dance with her at prom. This is breaking news in the land of morristown (population 16)!!!

I just drank a delicious smoothie. It was breath taking!


Cheesecake!

Adam

Emily (#609)

Location: New York
Quote: "When in doubt, fuck it. When not in doubt, get in doubt!"
Posted: 5266 days ago

That was amazing. I seem to be one of the only people here who doesn't think you're a bampot, though. How sad.

Hehehe... I'm going to have to try that. ^_^

Grace (#1225)

Location: Melbourne aka The Cliffs of Insanity
Quote: "I refuse to have a battle of wits with someone who is unarmed."
Posted: 5266 days ago

I can beat that for the "sad" factor. My first reaction was:"But of course, no matter how spiritually stimulating it is, he doesn't do that for longer than 4 minutes... that would be a waste of our precious aquatic resource..." (We have water restrictions here in Australia)
That and :"Must be a slow news week in the Barry household."
;)

Christopher Taylor (#1215)

Location: Melbourne
Quote: "Batshit insane."
Posted: 5266 days ago

Max...

Are you on drugs?

Henry T. Monkeypimpenstein (#1212)

Location: Wellington, NZ
Quote: "Monkeypimp: Geeky enough to use his lame NS forum name here too."
Posted: 5266 days ago

Right, I tried it but it didn't work properly.

xk3zofrenik (#1160)

Location: San Juan, Puerto Rico
Quote: "These human ruins."
Posted: 5265 days ago

You forgot to mention when the shower jets water directly into your knows. Which bring the bad sensation of inhaling a liquid, which I don't even want to think about what God is doing to me at that moment.

No wonder I am an atheist.


Or a retard if I got the position wrong.

Take Care Max.

OPArsenal (#1236)

Location: Florida, USA
Quote: "The NPA: Good old-fashioned defending!"
Posted: 5264 days ago

Tried it, and it's heaven. Pure and simple.

Queen Eve (#460)

Location: Dimensions at SanguinemDraconis.net
Quote: "Sanity is a gift; given at birth, lessened by maturity, and gone from us by the age of reason. --Kestral Lei"
Posted: 5264 days ago

There is something very scary about -anyone- who can find such joy in such little things. It becomes pure terror knowing that this entertainment has been thoroughly tested as it has.

It is a sign of the apocolypse that people seemed to flock to their shower to try it themselves just because you suggested it.

You have the power. Use it wisely Max.

Machine Man subscriber Mapuche (#1184)

Location: Darwin, Australia
Quote: "Inconceivable!"
Posted: 5263 days ago

You need to try shaving in the shower, sans mirror.

Coolet (#37)

Location: Goshen, Indiana
Quote: "Man who goes to bed with itchy bum, wakes up with smelly finger."
Posted: 5263 days ago

O MY GOD!! WAT A THRILL THAT IS!!!

I have done that on several "daring" instances...

Machine Man subscriber Jarrad (#837)

Location: Hobart
Posted: 5262 days ago

Max, you need to get some of these ducks.
http://toyeast.ideoconcepts.com/productimage/tn/tdeluxe755tn.jpg

They can have their own little Nation States style soap opera happening every time you turn on the taps.

Currently my glow in the dark duck is screwing around behind union jack ducks back, oh the juicy scandal

Xiporah (#1237)

Location: Oh wait...Over there somewhere
Quote: "Tacos for the Masses"
Posted: 5261 days ago

AHHHH! I tried it Max, but I must have done it wrong because I got water in my nose and started coughing. I'll stick to writing obscenities on the wall in human hair *blehg*

Laura (#1040)

Posted: 5260 days ago

I just have a question about what the heck's going on with nation states. The whole "Nation 0 of 0" crap that's going on. Know what I'm talking about?

Emma (#1271)

Location: England
Posted: 5260 days ago

Hmmmmm, Max Berry, as funny as you are and the genius as inventing nationstates, I do have to protest at the slanderous comments about English showers. Maybe in England hotels the showers are crap, but this is merely because we have a weak economy and want to milk tourists for all they're worth, but visit the home of an English resident (usually conservative middle class oiks) and you will find perfectly functioning showers of high speed and power. I will happily stand corrected and defect to your superior knowledge if this is not the case.... loving your work ;)

Machine Man subscriber Max

Location: Melbourne, Australia
Quote: "I'm my number one fan!"
Posted: 5259 days ago

My beef with English showers is that they think it's a good idea to pump cold water into a little box INSIDE THE SHOWER, which tries futilely to inject some heat just before the water emerges from the shower head. You are faced with a choice between very cold water at a decent pressure, or a weak dribble of lukewarm water. Plus, of course, all English bathrooms are freezing.

What's wrong with every house having a honking great tank of water pre-heated to near-boiling temperatures? You know, apart from the gross inefficiency.

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