MaxBarry.com
not as edgy as you'd think

Max Barry wrote the novels Syrup, Jennifer Government, Company, Machine Man, and Lexicon. He also created the game NationStates and once found a sock full of pennies.

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Tue 10
Aug
2004

Things I learned from my friend’s dog

Max The SniffernatorMy friend Fleur has gone on a 5-week jaunt through Asia and I’m looking after her two-year-old dog, Snow. I’ve never had a dog before, so the experience is teaching me a lot.

So far I’ve learned that:

  • There’s a sleepy dog smell.
  • You don’t have to be very big to snore like a foghorn.
  • Snow has no setting between OFF and MAXIMUM POWER.
  • Due to some kind of biological quirk, the phrase “Come here” cannot be detected by Snow’s ears, but she can hear the opening of a door from the other end of the house through solid brick walls.
  • If you step backwards (at any time), you will stand on Snow.

I’ve also gained some insight into her thought processes. I’m pretty sure that her philosophy goes like this:

  • The purpose of life is to locate humans and stand as close to them as possible.
  • Disgusting = interesting.
    • Corollary A: The fouler it smells, the more it needs to be sniffed.
    • Corollary B: If it drips, if it stinks, if it does both at once, bring it in the house.
  • It is uncouth to push open a slightly ajar door in order to pass through it; rather, one should sit in front of it and whine.
  • When you gotta go, you gotta go.
  • The grass is always greener on the other side of a closed door.
  • The only thing more exciting than going on a walk is coming home from a walk, unless you’re already home, in which case the most exciting thing is going for a walk.
  • If you don’t know what it is, lick it.