MaxBarry.com
will write for food

Max Barry wrote the novels Syrup, Jennifer Government, Company, Machine Man, and Lexicon. He also created the game NationStates and once found a sock full of pennies.

Blog

Thu 16
Dec
2004

My Favorite Hooker

Max I was reading my local community magazine and came to the classified column “Adult Services.” There weren’t many to choose from, so apparently (a) I live in a morally upright suburb, and (b) it’s a sellers’ market. Still, I decided to critique their marketing efforts: If I was buying, which hooker would I hire?

JULIETTE PRIVATE
Sexy, friendly, mid-30s, blonde

I like that she’s “friendly.” The last thing I’d want when I’ve hired a prostitute is for her to be rude or standoffish. Although maybe I’m reading that wrong; maybe you get her around to your house but when you try to get frisky, she says, “I’m sorry… I just don’t want to ruin the friendship.” I’m also a little wary about that “mid-30s”: is that her age or birthdate?

R U BI CURIOUS WHATEVER?
Try a sensual male body rub by attractive young guy.

Hmm, I need to be a lot more than “curious” about bisexuality before the idea of a sensual body rub from an attractive young guy sounds appealing. I think I’d have to have some pretty firm opinions.

VANESSA
Affectionate mid 30’s Blonde. Prefers men 50’s+

So if I open the door, Vanessa’s face will fall with disappointment. That’s no good. I have to say, though, I’m surprised that someone so picky about who she sleeps with has chosen this career path. I feel bad for Vanessa; I imagine life is quite the challenge.

EROTIC.. BODY.. TOUCH

All good words. But to me the ad suggests a lack of imagination; like whoever wrote it doesn’t really know what she should be doing. She comes over, you get naked, then she just starts awkwardly poking your chest.

ANGEL
Uni Student. Visit You. $250/hour.

That sounds like a lot of money just for a visit. I hope that includes some sex. But why is Angel telling me she’s a student? Will she need to get some studying done while she’s over? Is she prone to holding forth on socialism? It’s almost as if she’s suggesting that Uni Students who have sex are rare and exotic. She’s obviously not staying at my old dorm.

Faith Paradise
Cheeky Private Blonde 23 Credit Cards.

We have a winner! First, I am a sucker for wacky names, and “Faith Paradise” is even better than “Juliette Private”. She’s cheeky (that’s a plus), private (won’t tell everyone the next day), and, apparently, has 23 credit cards! So if the sex didn’t go well, we could chat about consumerism. Perfect!

Comments

This is where site members post comments. If you're not a member, you can join here. There are all kinds of benefits, including moral superiority!

Justin Holt (#147)

Location: Rochester, NY
Quote: "www.justinholt.net"
Posted: 3627 days ago

Max,

You've outdone yourself with that commentary there. I spit Coca-Cola all over my keyboard.

"I’m also a little wary about that “mid-30s”: is that her age or birthdate?"

Jesus! That is the funniest thing I've read all day. By far.

"She comes over, you get naked, then she just starts awkwardly poking your chest."

I can't stop laughing.

Great stuff.

Scott (#354)

Location: Grand Rapids, MI
Quote: "Max Barry tastes like awesome"
Posted: 3627 days ago

"Uni student. Visit you. $250/hour."

Me thug. Like topic. Still broke. grunt grunt grunt.

Morzaria (#463)

Location: Bangalore, India, well, most of the time atleast...
Quote: "We are gonna run run run to the cities of the future.."
Posted: 3627 days ago

;)

Mandithecoolkid (#872)

Location: Apple Valley
Quote: ""Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable, we have to alter it every 6 months" Oscar Wilde"
Posted: 3627 days ago

AHHHHHHHAHAHAHAH this was fuckin rad.


loved it. =)


It almost cheered me up from failing "Intro to Logic". right on.

Narain (#824)

Location: Los Angeles, right between civilization and a desert
Quote: "NI!"
Posted: 3627 days ago

How does a married man get away with critiquing hookers? Isn't that grounds for divorce? Seriously max, how do you pull it off?

David (#577)

Location: Belgium
Posted: 3627 days ago

His wife obviously still believes Max sells calendars for a living. So she doesn't know about all of this.

Let's blackmail him! We'll tell your wife you're a "wri-tar", if you do not ... erm ... give us all your bandwidth! Yeah, that's right! Hehe...he...

/me dies a lonely death in a corner

Kat (#299)

Location: My bedroom
Quote: ""The abolition of man is within the reach of science""
Posted: 3627 days ago

Hmmm...sounds like Vanessa only wants older men so she can rob them of their money. This was a great way to end my studying for finals tonight. Have fun looking at more hooker ads!

Chris (#816)

Location: Quebec, Canada
Posted: 3626 days ago

Wow... You're one of the funniest people ever.

Machine Man subscriber Brad Mendenhall (#23)

Location: Shrewsbury, Pa
Quote: "Max Barry? I thought I this was the Dave Barry Website! You mean he doesn't swear he's not making this up? (Shameless Plug - check out my website www.CosmicGeppetto.com)"
Posted: 3626 days ago

Pardon my ignorance, but is prostituion legal in Australia? I get a weekly mailer in my neighborhood every week and all they have are ads for are dog-sitters and spackling companies. Perhaps there is a code I'm not privvy to.

Mystra (#728)

Location: Las Vegas
Quote: "Kill them all!"
Posted: 3626 days ago

Even in 'Vegas we don't get ads like that, of course I think you have to work for a company, like the Bunny Ranch, http://www.bunnyranch.com/ so I guess a "self-employed" person wouldn't be advertising here.

shabooty (#637)

Location: D.C./V.A/M.D.
Quote: "I will shake your foundation. I will shake the f**cking rafters. Nobody'll be the same -Danny Bonaduce ....& go visit my blog @: http://www.shabooty.com"
Posted: 3626 days ago

my profile's quote is appropriate (as a comment) for this post

shabooty (#637)

Location: D.C./V.A/M.D.
Quote: "I will shake your foundation. I will shake the f**cking rafters. Nobody'll be the same -Danny Bonaduce ....& go visit my blog @: http://www.shabooty.com"
Posted: 3624 days ago

This is totally unrelated kinda ...it relates to Syrup...
taken from howardstern.com daily re-cap:
HOWARD'S BEST PRESENT…SCORES GIRLS!

The girls from Scores came in with Big John to wish everybody a Happy Holiday. The girls sang a very special version of "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" for Howard. They said they had been up drinking all night, but had to wait to come on the air and now they were sober. John said he was still "whacked" from all the Grey Goose he drank. One of the girls said her name was Six and Artie asked her if she got her name from all the DUIs she had, but she said she got the name from a friend. Six is a 22-year-old student at Hunter College, claims to have real breast and is considered Ronnie the Limo Driver's current favorite Scores girl. Big John said that one of the girls with them - Chase - was the "baddest" Scores girl East or West. He also said that he loves his job and his life because he spends all his time around hot chicks and booze. Artie said he'd never seen anyone do shots like John does. Howard and Artie said they definitely have to get together with the girls again soon…like in 10 minutes

NiCE? :)
HAPPY HOLIDAYS MAX!

Ellis (#884)

Location: San Francisco
Quote: "You can't just strap a snorkel on your cat."
Posted: 3624 days ago

Unrelated, if you want to talk to me (Max interviews Ellis), look at the last 2 comments on Max interviews Ellis. And yes, this is really Ellis.

Cantrall (#26)

Location: New Orleans
Quote: "Anagrams with my name: Chancellor thirst rap, Anarchist perch troll, Ranch pro at hillcrest, Ill rorschach pattern, Cornstarch hitler pal"
Posted: 3624 days ago

Prostitution must be legal...heck, if that one girl takes credit cards, then it's a recorded transaction. I can't imagine an illegal business taking credit cards.

Ashley (#889)

Location: motown
Quote: "i eat paper"
Posted: 3624 days ago

There are ads for them?? And I didn't know about this, how? I say some phone hotlines in the back of Rolling Stone...but these are hooker ads. Thats abit different...SPEAKING OF...What is up with Rolling Stone? What is this stone and why does it roll? Or is it like rock and roll?? Only...that would be Stone and Roll: music for the peoples of 600 B.C.C...society and its popularities are confusing.

ra ra ra.

Stephanie (#909)

Location: Canada
Posted: 3616 days ago

Hahaha, this was sooo funny, I actually read it to my 70+ year old mother and she thought it very funny too! ;)

Peace,
Stephanie.

kolyn (#914)

Location: Calgary, Canada
Posted: 3614 days ago

Wow, what exotic people you have about you. Sensual male body rub, eh? Sounds cheeky, and friendly, and probably doesn't involved chest prodding.

Kate (#422)

Location: Over there, on the left. No, wait, your OTHER left!
Quote: "I like Vin Diesel's man-boobs. They appeal to the lesbian in me."
Posted: 3590 days ago

Yes, but how many of these hookers are actually dating drug dealers? Are there any drug dealers in Australia?
Hmmm...

Comments are now closed for this post.

Built on Blosxom