MaxBarry.com
writes things for cash

Max Barry wrote the novels Syrup, Jennifer Government, Company, Machine Man, and Lexicon. He also created the game NationStates and once found a sock full of pennies.

Blog

Wed 12
Nov
2008

Mo Bad Blues

Max Max develops horrific moAt first it wasn’t too bad. In the right light, my mo looked fairly legit. It was rough and tough and ready to rumble, just like you might think I am, if you don’t know me very well. Seven days in, I could even be considered debonair.

Then the gingers came in.

Now, I don’t have anything against the ginger peoples. Some of my best friends—well, no, all right, that’s not true. I shun them. But I have several close ginger relatives. Lovely people. Really courageous. Also, there’s no problem with ginger if you’re a woman. For chicks, red hair means: “I am so aflame with animal passion, I could burst into fire at any moment.” I think we can all agree on that. But on a man, ginger hair is not popularly translated as “fiery, dangerous love beast.” It’s more “weird pervert from Accounting.”

On top of that, I keep accidentally cruising for gay sex. I don’t mean to. I just haven’t adapted to the signals my mo is sending out. For example, on my run this morning, I jiggled my eyebrows in greeting to a runner passing by. Usually, this means, “Nice morning.” But now, apparently, it means, “Nice thighs.” At least, that’s what I’m getting from the look of terror that crossed the guy’s face.

I’m beginning to catch glimpses of it in my peripheral vision. When I have a drink, it gets there before I do. The other day I blew my nose, and three hours later realized my upper lip was hoarding bits of tissue. Also, despite my private hopes, Jen has not been harboring a secret passion for circa 1970s tennis stars. Hairy, scratchy, ginger lip caterpillar: apparently not a turn-on.

It’s just as well I’m doing this for a good cause. Thanks so much to everyone who donated. I just want you to know, it’s because of you that I’m stuck with this thing until December.

[ Sponsor Max’s Moustache! ]

Comments

This is where site members post comments. If you're not a member, you can join here. There are all kinds of benefits, including moral superiority!

Machine Man subscriber Stygian Emperor (#2947)

Location: Austin, TX
Quote: "Hope is but the first step down the path to disappointment."
Posted: 2079 days ago

Grow a beard, too. You'll look ten times better, and unless my sources are wrong, it counteracts any homosexual vibes you may inadvertently send off.

Also, I wouldn't piss off the gingers if I were you; they'll throw you into a pot of lava. I've seen it.

Tommy Mandel (#2554)

Location: nYc
Quote: ""You want me to sign this now?""
Posted: 2078 days ago

Yeha, you're right, Max. It looks pretty gay.
Would Buy Mitsui sport one? I don't think so.
Not if it were ginger.

Erin (#1296)

Location: Chandler AZ
Posted: 2078 days ago

HA ha ha!! This post alone was enough to make me feel like I've gotten my money's worth. I should probably donate more so I don't feel like I'm free-riding when I laugh at any future posts about this.

Picto (#64)

Location: United Kingdom
Quote: "Who is more foolish, the child afraid of the dark or the man afraid of the light? - Maurice Freehill"
Posted: 2078 days ago

Max, in picture #4 you're beginning to look a bit like Barry Elliot from the Chuckle Brothers, so definitely worth the donations! You are taking a picture everyday, I sincerely hope?

Kalle (#1278)

Quote: "Sex is herital. If your parents never had it, chanses are you'll never have it either."
Posted: 2078 days ago

Hehehehe, I laughed silently in front of my laptop. Gingas are easy targets though.

Ryan (#3740)

Posted: 2078 days ago

Jen doesn't have to be left out: http://myjobspace.co.nz/pages/fanuary.php

Machine Man subscriber Katie Ellert (#207)

Location: Calgary AB Canada
Quote: "Where's Lola? WHERE'S LOLA?!?!"
Posted: 2078 days ago

Oh man, this was the best blog ever. It honestly made my day.

Also, be carefull! You're catching 'GINGER-VITUS'!!!!!

Marc (#1168)

Location: SF
Posted: 2078 days ago

This made me lol hard...then I remembered I'm gay and ginger.

Epic fail genetics, epic fail.

Abgrund (#3357)

Location: Atlantis
Quote: ""Redeem your mind from the hockshops of authority." - Ayn Rand"
Posted: 2075 days ago

Well, it isn't that bad, even though it's not full yet. I mean, it's not gross or unattractive, and it makes me look at Max in a whole new way. So manly, so... I think I'll go take a shower now.

Glendon Muir (#659)

Location: Ottawa, Canada
Quote: "True love never dies, kind of like zombies."
Posted: 2073 days ago

You need to make a porno, and fast.

RayRay (#3747)

Location: Texas
Quote: "Sometimes late at night Wearing a cat on my head I get transmissions."
Posted: 2067 days ago

Nothing to do with your mustache. I started Jennifer Government and am thoroughly enjoying it. Thought I'd say.

RayRay (#3747)

Location: Texas
Quote: "Sometimes late at night Wearing a cat on my head I get transmissions."
Posted: 2064 days ago

Finished last night. Complete blast. Will find Syrup now that I know it exists. Reading Gibson, now. Not as fun. Requires caffeine and sunlight to diminish thoughts of suicide it inspires.

Comments are now closed for this post.

Built on Blosxom