10 Reasons President Trump Won’t Be That Bad

Like me, you may be feeling a combination of shock, distress, and terror at the news that Donald J. Trump will become the next leader of the world’s largest military and economic superpower.

But it’s all right! It’s all right. It won’t be that bad. I mean, it will be pretty bad. That’s for sure. But we can get through this. To help you through this difficult adjustment period, here are some comfort thoughts:

1. Many Trump policies range from mutually contradictory to the physically impossible so they can’t all be implemented.

2. Writers of satire or absurdist comedy need never again be told that their work is too far-fetched.

3. Reagan was a TV actor with fantastical economic ideas and latent Alzheimer’s and the US came out of that pretty okay.

4. Exposure of electoral system that weights votes of residents of North Dakota and Wyoming 3-4X greater than those in California and New York, holds elections on a working Tuesday, and uses plurality voting, may prompt actual change, perhaps to “Best Out Of Three” system, or drawing straws.

5. He is pretty funny, for a President.

6. Inevitable war with foreign power and subsequent nuclear winter may offer effective solution to global warming.

7. Nation avoids messy spectre of four years of depressing gridlock where bitter Republicans hold White House hostage and nothing gets done.

8. Small children can be told that anything is possible with a straight face.

9. Nation will undergo a great strengthening, in “what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger” sense.

10. Shocking the hell out of the ruling class is necessary from time to time in order to avoid a build-up of complacency and corruption, so why not now. And election campaigns are all about demonizing opponents but only rarely are they actual demons.

Also the UK voted to Brexit, so, you know, sucks to be those guys.