Deleted Scene

The Pouting Gwyneth Scene

Todd, my agent at the time, thought that the more lines I gave Gwyneth Paltrow, the more I stretched the story’s believability, which was already pretty out there. He’s right: this little section keeps reminding you that you’re reading a book. It was fun to write, but probably less amusing to everyone else. Gwyneth works better as a very minor character.

I’ve been asked why I chose Gwyneth as the celebrity here. I wish I had a better answer than the truth, which is that her name is fun to type. Before you mock me, you try it.

This scene came right after Scat’s phone call to Vanilla Ice’s management (another deleted scene).

scat hobnobs with the stars

“Well, it’s been okay,” Gwyneth tells me. “Kline’s a bit of an asshole, but you get used to him.”

“How do you think it’ll turn out?” I ask.

Gwyneth shrugs. “It’s hard to say. You never know until you actually see it.”

“The rough cut looked good.”

“Oh?” Gwyneth says, interested. “That’s good. How did I do?”

“Uh,” I say. I briefly consider lying. “I’ve got to say, I didn’t really see much of you in it. Just, you know, running and screaming.”

“Oh,” Gwyneth says, pouting attractively. “Yeah, well, the way my agent told it, this role was much bigger.” She frowns. “I’ve been doing an awful lot of running and screaming.”

“It’s very good running and screaming,” I say.

“Strong female roles,” Gwyneth says, poking my chest. “That’s what we need. It’s so hard to find a good part for a strong female.”

“Winona’s character seems pretty strong,” I say. “In fact, she eats someone.”

“Really?” Gwyneth says. “Damn it. I’ve got to talk to my agent.”

“But I know what you mean,” I say. “I don’t know why there aren’t more of them.”

“Men don’t like it,” Gwyneth says. “At least, that’s the argument. They say it scares away the male audience.”

“Really?” I say, surprised.

The hangar door bangs open and 6 steps into the sunlight. “Scat,“ she says. She stops when she sees Gwyneth, shoots her a wary look, then continues. “We need to talk. Now.”