My
daughter has started to want things. Until now she has only
needed things. Here is the difference:
Scenario A: Fin Needs Something
Fin: “Mmmrrraaaaaa.”
Me: “It must be lunch time. Let’s get you some food.”
Scenario B: Fin Wants Something
Fin: “Book? Book?”
Me: “No book, it’s time for lunch.”
Fin: “Book? Book? Book?”
Me: “No, honey.”
Fin: “Book? Book? Book? Book? Book? Book? Book? Book?”
For a while now I have thought of raising Fin like a video
game. You start off with fairly simple tasks to accomplish,
to help you get a hang of the basic controls. Thereafter
you encounter obstacles of steadily increasing difficulty.
The only real difference is that if you fail a level, you don’t
get to go back and try it again. Instead, all of that level’s
monsters follow you to the next one. Oh, and you get no power-ups.
Here are the levels I think I’ve completed so far:
Level 1: Don’t Drop Me
Level 2: Keep Me Warm But Not Too Warm
Level 3: Guess Why I’m Crying
Level 4: I Did A Poo In My Pants
Level 5: Food
Level 6: Try To Make Me Sleep
Level 7: Guess What I Just Put In My Mouth
Level 8: I Have Noticed That You Do What I Want When I Cry
Level 9: Biting Is Fun
Level 10: Am I Sick?
Level 11: I Can Reach Your Valuables
Level 12: But I Don’t Want To Wear Pants
Level 13: I Can Climb On Things To Reach Your Valuables
Level 14: No
Level 15: My Education Depends On You Signing Me Up To A Good School’s Waiting List A Year Ago
Some future levels I’m expecting:
- Why Don’t I Have A Penis?
- But Mom Said I Could
- I Want A Pony
- All The Other Girls Have Pierced Belly Buttons
- Boys Are Cute
- I Should Look Like The Girls In The Magazines
- My Boyfriend Has A Car
Then of course there are the optional bonus levels, such as
I’ve Decided To Go Backpacking Through Thailand, and Dad
This Is My Life Partner Susan.
I think I need to read some more strategy guides before then.
I believe they are called “parenting books.”
It’s a big couple of months for my books. Here’s what they’re up to:
USA & Canada
The paperback
is out March 13, and I tour two weeks later. The early word is
that I’m headed
to Los Angeles, Denver, Milwaukee, Madison, Chicago, Austin,
Phoenix, and San Francisco. So the result of that polite
discussion seems to be that Phoenix beat out Dallas,
Milwaukee supplanted Boston, and LA and Madison combined to
defeat Ann Arbor. I’m not saying that necessarily reflects on
the inherent worth of those places. But you could certainly
read it that way.
The dates and places should be confirmed shortly, and
I’ll post ‘em here.
Also in the US & Canada, an audio version of Syrup
has been released. I wonder if that’s some kind of record,
a publisher coming out with an audio version nearly eight years
after the book. No, probably not. In fact it wouldn’t even
be close. I don’t know why I brought that up.
Australia & New Zealand
I’ve spent most of the last year moaning about my publishing
troubles in Australia. Because it really grates on me
that in my home country I am near-completely unknown, while
in the US I am near-completely unknown, but not quite so
much. This has nothing to do with wanting recognition for
my artistic achievements, you understand. It’s about impressing
chicks. But now I have a publisher,
Scribe,
and they’ve been crazy busy organizing publicity ahead of the March 5th
publication.
Seriously, you want your publisher to be enthusiastic, but
this is almost beyond that. Just today, they’ve sent me…
let me check… eleven emails. I have conversations with
them that go like this:
Scribe: “Wow. Company. It’s such a great book.”
Me: “Thanks.”
Scribe: “I mean, seriously. I own ten copies. Not for
publicity purposes. For myself.”
Me: “Oh, that’s… keen.”
Scribe: “Sometimes at night, I take off all my clothes and
rub myself with the pages.”
Well it wouldn’t surprise me. Anyway, the result is I’m doing
a lot of Aussie media and book readings and festivals. Here’s
what I have details for so far: the
Como Writers Festival
in Melbourne on the 17th and 18th of February,
a Sydney book reading
hosted by supercool comedian Wil Anderson on Friday March 16,
the Sydney Writers Festival in May, and the Melbourne Writers Festival
in August.
The Netherlands
The Dutch Company paperback is out in March, and the publisher has produced
this incredibly slick
Zephyr Holdings website. It’s got desktop wallpapers
and email-your-friends cartoons and everything. I have no idea
what they’re about, because they’re in Dutch. But I bet they’re
frickin’ hilarious.
Unfortunately I suspect that this means Company needs to sell about a million copies
or Uniboek will collapse under the weight of its outlandish web
design expenditure. But fingers crossed.
They also seem to be re-publishing Jennifer Government
under the title Logoland, and
synchronizing the cover with
Company’s. I love synchronized covers. They make me feel
collectible.
United Kingdom
Still bugger all. Sorry.