MaxBarry.com
dangerous when aroused

Max Barry wrote the novels Syrup, Jennifer Government, Company, Machine Man, and Lexicon. He also created the game NationStates and once found a sock full of pennies.

Blog

Tue 16
May
2006

Neigh whinny whinny, baby

What Max Reckons I now believe that all girls want to marry horses. Not just little girls. Grown women. In fact, it has become clear to me that every personality flaw in a man, as perceived by a woman, is his failure to be more like a horse.

This occurred to me last night, while I was reading a parenting manual called Raising Girls. So far this book has been full of advice so obvious that it’s simultaneously insulting that someone thinks I need it, and alarming that some people might—advice such as, “try to build her self-esteem,” and “understand that not all girls like traditionally female toys,” and, “don’t have sex with her.” Then I came to a section on how pre-pubescent girls tend to love horses. As I read, I realized that it also perfectly described the personality type that many women seem to want in a man:

Qualities that at first look like opposites—greatness, strength, and speed versus submission and obedience—can be combined in this powerful companion, which encourages the young rider to try it out herself.

A girl thus learns that modes of behavior like empathy and gentleness, in combination with their opposites—such as assertiveness and exercising power—can work for the horse, for herself on horseback, and for herself in everyday life.

—Quoted from “Developmental Crises in Girls,” by Dörte Stoll, 2002.

So that’s been the problem all along: horses making us blokes look bad. All we need to do to make ourselves more attractive to women in any given situation is think: “What would Black Beauty do?”

I would like to balance this theory out with a complementary one about what men find attractive, but all I’ve got so far is that men want women to be soccer balls, and I didn’t want to sully my site with a gratuitous picture of Pamela Anderson.

Comments

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Phill Sacre (#1822)

Location: London, UK
Quote: "Computers are like air conditioners. Both stop working, if you open windows."
Posted: 3084 days ago

Hey, Max, you ought to get some "WWBBD" ("What Would Black Beauty Do") bracelets made up, you'd make a fortune. In fact, after your recent UK excursion, perhaps it would be best expressed by a quote from a well-known long-running British sitcom: "This time next year, we could be millionnaires!"

And by the way, there's nothing wrong with a gratuitous picture of Pamela Anderson, aside from perhaps the Pamela Anderson bit. Hmmm.

Picto (#64)

Location: United Kingdom
Quote: "Who is more foolish, the child afraid of the dark or the man afraid of the light? - Maurice Freehill"
Posted: 3084 days ago

And so we now know the tag line for Max's next novel;

What Would Black Beauty Do?


Beautiful. No pun intended.

shabooty (#637)

Location: D.C./V.A/M.D.
Quote: "I will shake your foundation. I will shake the f**cking rafters. Nobody'll be the same -Danny Bonaduce ....& go visit my blog @: http://www.shabooty.com"
Posted: 3084 days ago

That's why black men are in such high demand!
they got the big black horse C-
:)

Marina (#2023)

Location: Den Bosch, Netherlands
Quote: ""Properly trained, a man can be a dog's best friend.""
Posted: 3084 days ago

I'm a woman. Never liked horses. Only dogs.

What would Lassie do?

Hobbie (#1359)

Location: Cornwall, England
Quote: "There was a little man in his hair!"
Posted: 3084 days ago

Beastiality in all it's merry forms, right here right now. You realise that the site is now guaranteed top spot on online lists of deviant porn?

I have to disagree with the soccer ball thing though... can't stand sport. You'd be closer I think if you said red hair and large boobs.

Zoomy (#1546)

Location: Outside Glasgow
Posted: 3084 days ago

Must disagree about the soccer ball thing. Hate the sport.

Nate Spears (#1454)

Location: Dallas, TX
Quote: ""Vengeance. Justice. Fire and blood." -Doran Martell"
Posted: 3084 days ago

Man's best friend reflects man's simplest desires: rare meat, a ball to chase around, and something to hump.

Mirym K (#2330)

Location: Oregon
Posted: 3084 days ago

How on earth did you know? I LOVE men who leave droppings the size of a cat anywhere they happen to be and who could at any moment break one or both of my legs!

Oh, wait, you meant the other qualities of horses. That's different then!

Marisa (#2228)

Location: New Jersey
Quote: "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."
Posted: 3084 days ago

As a girl who has recently gotten over the pre-pubescent stage (well...maybe not that recently...), I resent the fact that all girls like horses. I, myself, was quite a tom-boy, and despised horses. I was more into trying to beat up the girls that like horses. Hope that gives some confidence that you are not being compared to horses by girls and women.

Machine Man subscriber Adam (#24)

Location: Morristown, Indiana
Quote: "Why do I blog? Simple, because Max Barry blogs."
Posted: 3083 days ago

Tuesday, May Poop 2006

BRAVO! BRAVO!

I would just like to state that this is the best blog Max Barry has ever written. It's got everything, comedy, romance, and truth.

BY THE WAY

Men like animals too. To men, women are flawed if they aren't like dogs. A man's best friend is a dog. A woman is supposed to be friendly like a dog, and not mean like some raging animal(a lion or something). Men also would like women to be more like dogs for more vulgar reasons that I will not go into(but you know what I am talking about).

-adam

Rod McBride (#688)

Location: Gardner, KS
Quote: "www.MidwestRockLobster.blogspot.com"
Posted: 3083 days ago

I thought men wanted women to be beer.

Colette (#324)

Location: Boise, Idaho, USA
Quote: "What's popcorn made of?"
Posted: 3083 days ago

That self-help (parenting) book sounds a little out there, Max.
I never went through that "horses" stage. I like tigers, though. Sounds like a suitable explanation...

Chris McBride (#1977)

Location: Belfast, N.Ireland
Quote: "Plagiarism saves thinking time"
Posted: 3083 days ago

WW McBride Do?

David (#1848)

Location: Texas
Quote: "Delighted!"
Posted: 3082 days ago

The soccer ball comment now has me picturing Pamela Anderson with bruises all over her bazooms. Unsettling, but I keep looking anyway.

AJ (#1866)

Location: Portland, OR
Quote: "Who said life was fair (or some shitty thing like that)"
Posted: 3082 days ago

Hence the phrase "he's hung like a ....."
well you know.
(sorry, couldn't resist)

Hobbie (#1359)

Location: Cornwall, England
Quote: "There was a little man in his hair!"
Posted: 3081 days ago

I thought the saying was like a donkey, not a horse AJ... but maybe there are variations out there I'd really rather avoid finding out...

JJ MacMillan (#819)

Location: Austin, TX
Quote: "I just wanted you to see what bad planning looked like."
Posted: 3081 days ago

What do men want women to be? Willing.

AJ (#1866)

Location: Portland, OR
Quote: "Who said life was fair (or some shitty thing like that)"
Posted: 3078 days ago

Hobbie: I've heard "donkey" from british blokes.. but I'm on the west coast of the US and we say "horse". However, if one is alluding to penis AND brain size, perhaps the brits have it right..

JJ: Men want women to be .... their mothers.

William Smith (#2442)

Location: China
Quote: "Memento Mori"
Posted: 3065 days ago

Every girl I know has had, or is still having a love affair with a horse. (No, not that kind)

austin (#2462)

Location: rhode island
Quote: "hmmm...bleh..."
Posted: 3052 days ago

Oh my.

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